“Not Recommended”


I think I am stuck in the wrong time!

No my computer did not switch time zones on me, and I am sleeping when it’s dark out.

I mean physically stuck in the wrong time era. Or maybe I’m some big bad hero fresh out of a coma and just walked into what is now present time reality. Astounded and horrified by the leaps and bounds technology has taken.

I do love the fact that I can share some stories with all of you, but geez Louise!

I drove a new SUV the other day. I wanted to jump out, didn’t even care it was moving!

This thing talks, tells me I need coffee, reads text messages, parallel parks (steers itself) and the steering wheel shakes like my kids Xbox controller when he gets shot.

Last I heard, there were laws about not texting and driving. So why then is it fine to sit behind the wheel of a wide screen distraction unit that claims to know where I am going better than I do?

And what’s with all the flashing lights in the side mirrors? Every time I flew by a car, my eyes would spasm trying to see what just lit up… way over there.

With the cruise on, this thing slowed down by itself and sent off another goofy light on the dash. I had to look down to confirm that I had not hit the brake by accident. Well, that was a mistake!

Suddenly- I must have been piloting a 747 directly into the middle of a hurricane.

I had just slightly steered with my gaze, and the  edge of the rumble strip sounded in protest. Exactly what it said I could not tell you, but damn did it scare the steering wheel.

My arms ain’t shook like that since the kitchen light repair when a kid interrupted by turning the switch back on.

And by the way,” Why is my ass so hot?”

“Heated seats”

“It must be a woman thing.”

I finally get things under control, only to hear a disembodied voice say “Left turn in half a mile.”

But I’m in the right lane in a you can’t do that, computer controlled, obstacle of speeding traffic.

“Left turn in one quarter mile.”

“Shut it off, shut it off”

Two options faced me in a split second. 1) A hard right over that scary strip again, or 2) A hard left that was sure to tick off not only the two vehicles already in that lane, but also the one I was allegedly driving.

“Left it is”

“Turn Left Now”

I did, and felt like a kid at Chuck E Cheese on his birthday. Things beeped and flashed, and the central wide screen diversion unit began to turn like we were about to do a nose dive in a spiral.

When I finally parked that thing, the neurons in my brain weren’t just firing, it was an all out war up there!

I kissed my fingers as I walked up to my Jeep and used that hand to smack her beautiful rear bumper.

Sure she has some rust, and a couple odd quirks, but the one thing that Jeep has never done is tell me no. Oh, sorry I meant ” Not Recommended”.

By the time that stuff starts to go haywire, I’ll still be one of those guys honking as I go by in a vehicle that I can fix with a wrench, not a computer and six technicians.

And my Jeep has her own set of wrenches!
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2 responses to ““Not Recommended”

  1. Pingback: NaBloPoMo Kick Off | cjalan

  2. Pingback: Old VS. New | cjalan

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