A Cry For Help

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It’s official, I grudgingly admit I am behind the times.

If I were a bottle of beer my “born on date” would be expired, and I feel like an out of date jug of milk ready to be poured down the drain.

In the beginning all this blogging stuff seemed so simple- write and publish funny stories that quite possibly would make someone snort their drink out their nose (it’s a personal goal of mine).

But as I delve deeper into this, I am finding a fast paced world that blows my mind and leaves me scratching my ever lengthening forehead.

Create aPingback’, comes one recommendation from the fine folks at WordPress. Oh and don’t forget to customize your blog with widgets.

Just great, now not only do I need to try and clean up my grammar and punctuation, but I need to learn the ways of web design!

Seriously, if I have to open one more tab in search of “how to” info, my old computer and it’s XP programming just might melt down to a useless puddle of melted metal, plastic and wire! Unfortunately my brain is already in overload.

You see, while I am not ready to broadcast the born on date that is most assuredly stamped on my bottom, I hail from an era where fixing something means a wrench in your greasy hand.

HTML codes are more than confusing enough, but just where to put them? Well now, that’s a whole other story!

Be sure to properly for-mat your post? So am I supposed to pre-squish my writing so it fits? Sure, but fits into what? A mason jar? Maybe a storage tub?

No, the plain and simple truth (as painfully pointed out by my editor) is I need to get with the times.

“Proper formatting, use of English, punctuation, and pictures are required,” she told me, “Then you need to focus on making it all look good.”

Now that really made me laugh. I grew up in farm country, and heard words such as these daily :

  • Thunk- the past tense of think
  • Gooder- better than good, but not Better
  • Ya all- everyone out there
  • Ain’t- This one is now in the dictionary (hooray!)
  • Irreusable- an item too worn out to use again (for it’s intended purpose)

How about some phrases?:

  • Spool up the winder- Roll up that window!
  • Hog trollin- I’ll explain this one only if ya all really want to hear it!
  • Riding shotgun- It does not involve a childish argument about who gets the front seat. (Nor does it apply to stage coaches, I’m not that far past my born on date!)

So off I go in search of proper English lessons via the internet. And what to my wondering eyes should appear? A generation of garbled letters that seem to abbreviate  everything I know into an unreadable mess!

Now, don’t get me wrong I love English teachers (although most I encountered couldn’t return that love), but really just how do you fine, well educated folk survive the blast of illegible garbage kids today call language?

That’s comparable to me being a hammer swinging, prop my feet on the edge of my plywood boat kinda guy surviving a dress shopping day with my girls! IT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN!

This is straight from a kids Facebook post: “2 all ppl I kno, thx”

And that is one I can understand! Has technology made the younger generations so lazy they can’t take the time to type complete words?

Please someone tell me I don’t have to learn chopped up short hand of what used to be the English language in order to properly run a blog!!!!!

As for the widgets, codes, post formatting, links and pingbacks, please bear with me. I have yet to find one simple set of instructions that explains it all in a way that makes sense to my purely mechanical mind.

To all of you who have stopped by to find a deformed picture, or some wonky formatting where a widget should be, I apologize. It is not intended to drive your sensibilities crazy. I am currently on a redneck learning curve with the gentle slope of a 90 degree angle!

And please, anyone who wishes to help, feel free to send me chasing links that will learn my brain what it needs to know. But for the love of all things tangible, I can’t take another useless online dictionary page that tells me a widget is nothing more than a widget!

There has to be help out there somewhere that involves a true explanation of what these modern, ultra confusing, never heard of before, gadgets of computer wizardry mean in a way a somewhat normal man can understand!

While I wait for some words of wisdom to land below, I will finish correcting those issues my editor left me in regard to my first ever book. It’s like my freshman English class all over again! (But this time I got to chose the topic!)

 

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