Speechless

105-salesman

I really should have been paying attention as I walked through the store typing a text to Mama, or at least stepped into an empty aisle to stand still.

But no, in the hope of keeping my day on schedule I chose to multitask two operations that require my sight. Maybe not my best move of the day.

As my eyes watched my fingers, my unsupervised feet propelled me right into the table of a salesman peddling the best and most up to date security system.

“Sorry,” I said as I pulled his little folding table back to the position it was in before I collided with it.

This guy didn’t miss a beat, “Ah, you must be a satisfied customer checking on your house.”

Honestly folks, I stood there dumbfounded. Just how in the world did he relate checking on the house to me being occupied with my phone?

I didn’t have long to ponder that question before he slammed his sales pitch into high gear. I bet the look on my face was the opening he desired to get.

” Wouldn’t it be nice if you knew your house was secure,” he asked as his ever confident tone raised an octave or two.

” I already know that,” I stated with an edge of suspicion in my voice.

“Imagine, anywhere you are in the world you could access a security feed on your phone that would let you check on your home,” he held out  a brochure, “And maybe even turn on a light or two, or adjust the temperature of your heating and cooling system.”

Now while I have never considered such a thing, I chose to entertain myself for a spell.

“A remote control house huh,” I asked with a thick dose of both sarcasm and skepticism.

“Of sorts yes, but with more of a focus on security.”

That was his opening shot into a monolog longer than I am tall. It included all sorts of insanity, from doors armed with buzzers too camera’s mounted in strategic locations that would live feed to my phone.

Finally he stopped to draw a breath. So I interjected.

” So, I could watch someone break in and steal from the house while I sit next to Mama on a beach in the Florida Keys sipping a rum and coke?”

“That sounds more like TV than security,” I finished while shaking my head.

“Oh, no. This system will in fact notify the local authorities as the break in is taking place. You can’t be too safe now a days you know.”

“Oh, with this, the security of my house not only depends on an internet connection but also the hope that Barney has finished his doughnut and has time to respond?”

That got me a puzzled stare and no further words. I guess he was just too young to get the reference of Barney Fife.

“I’ll stick with what I have thanks,” I said and set the brochure back on his table.

“And what’s that, a deadbolt and window locks?”

“Let me ask you something,” I began in a tone I use when one of the kids needs to pay attention, ” Who controls this system, and what can they see?”

“You do, of course. Right from your phone you have complete access to everything.”

“Oh so whoever happens to pick up my phone has access, Nice.” I gave him my best disgusted look and continued on, “I mean the entire system. The whole shebang.”

“I don’t understand what you mean sir,” he confessed.

“It’s a computer controlled system, someone has to operate it. How honest are they? Back ground checks? Do you hire felons?”

My questions thoroughly confused the poor guy. Obviously he had never thought about that.

“Thanks son, but I’ll stick with my proven system.”

“But sir this day in age locks barely slow down a thief,” his confident tone turned to one of near desperation.

“Ah, but that is all it has to do,” I responded with a sly smile.

Again confusion ruled his facial features.

“Locks only keep honest people honest, that is a fact. All your system does is watch a dishonest guy in a mask loot my house!”

“No sir, it will call the police.”

“Right, and warn a thief he is on a time limit. Hell the sign in the front yard broadcasts that fact.”

“Ok, ok so sir just what do you expect from a security system, and can I ask what system you use?”

I smiled, knowing full well the answer would make this poor fella lose his mind.

“Good deadbolts, a squeaky hinge or two, and two hundred sixty pounds of fur and teeth on eight legs. Oh, and lets not forget Mama has a gun.”

Once again, I completed one of those missions in life I truly enjoy. I had rendered a fast talking, ultra confident salesman speechless. He simply stood there with his jaw agape and stared at me.

“I don’t have to worry about a thing. No signal radiating from the house to get intercepted by a hacker who might use the video to preselect items of interest, or one of your good employees deciding to turn bad.”

“Doesn’t sound very secure to me,” he mumbled.

“It’s perception,” I smiled in satisfaction, “And big barking dogs tend to ward off the dishonest.”

He had to nod his head in agreement with that one.

“Besides, the monthly numbers here are more than I spend in dog food a month!”

The bottom line and my parting shot to the youngster behind the table-

You can’t rely on strangers to protect what is yours!

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